Suthunuhs
Anne Tenna
Resident GRITS*
(*Girl Raised In the South)
Southerners: (noun) natives or inhabitants of the south, especially of the southern U.S. Y’all know who y’all are!
Southerners know their summer weather report: Humidity, humidity, and more humidity.
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Southerners know their vacation spots: The beach, the rivuh, or the crick.
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Southerners know everybody’s first name: “Honey,” “Darlin’,” and “Shugah.”
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Southerners know the movies that speak to their hearts: “Fried Green Tomatoes,” “Driving Miss Daisy,” “Steel Magnolias,” and “Gone With The Wind.”
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Southerners know their religions: Bapdiss, Methdiss, Football.
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Southerners know their cities dripping with Southern charm: Chawl’stn, S’vanah, N’awlins, Mobeel, and Addlanna.
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Southerners know their elegant gentlemen: Men in uniform, men in tuxedos, and men like Rhett Butler.
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Southern girls know their prime real estate: The mall, the country club, the beauty salon.
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Southern girls know the three deadly sins: Having bad hair and nails, having bad manners, and cooking bad food.
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Only a Southerner knows the difference between a hissie fit and a conniption fit, and that you don’t “have” them, you “pitch” them.
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Only a Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens, peas, beans, etc., make up “a mess.”
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Only a Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of “yonder.”
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Only a Southerner knows exactly how long “directly” is, as in: “Goin’ to town, back directly.”
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Even Southern babies know that “Gimme some sugar” is not a request for the white, granular, sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl in the middle of the table.
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All Southerners know exactly when “by and by” is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.
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Only a Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor with troubles is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. For a crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin’!
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Only Southerners grow up knowing the difference between “right near” and “a right far piece.” They also know that “just down the road” can be 1 mile or 20.
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Only a Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a Suthun gentleman, a redneck, a good ol’ boy, and po’ white trash.
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No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.
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Only Southerners make friends while standing in line, ... and when we’re in line, we talk to everybody!
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Put 100 Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they’re related, even if only by marriage.
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Southerners know grits come from corn and how to prop’ly eat them.
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Every Southerner knows that tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that red-eye gravy is also a breakfast food; that scrambled eggs just ain’t right without Tabasco, and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.
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When you hear someone say, “Well, I caught myself lookin’,” you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!
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Only true Southerners say “sweet tea” and “sweet milk.” Sweet tea indicates the presence of sugar and lots of it – we do not generally take our tea unsweetened. “Sweet milk” means you don’t want buttermilk.
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And a true Southerner knows you don’t scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, “Bless her sweet little heart”... and go your own way.
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To those of you who are still a little embarrassed by your Southernness: Take two tent revivals and a dose of sausage gravy and call me in the morning. Bless your little heart!
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And to those of you who are still having a hard time understanding all this Southern stuff....bless your hearts. I hear they’re fixin’ to have classes on Southernness as a second language!
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There ain’t no magazine named “Northern Living” for good reason; nobody would buy the magazine! Now, shugah, if you’re a Northern transplant, bless your little heart, fake it. We know you got here as fast as you could.